Only human and thus…..

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No one. Friend or foe. Can ever truly realise how strong. Weak. Fragile. Unbreakable or unpredictable u are. It will be advised to be strong. Stay strong. Be positive. Show positive. While u break. Because u break does not in any way mean defeat. It means human. U r but human. We care so much about ‘saving face’ ..not allowing ‘enemies’ the satisfaction of breaking you. Because u r honest in no way means that u are satisfying anyone. Or that u set out to satisfy or derail anyone from thinking anything.
What happened to feeling?
Sometimes i think of slicing my arms up as i once did when pain got the best of me….. i had to get revenge on god and pain and existing. So i cut. Wrote the book on it. Hid it for years! Sometimes i think…suicide….if only it would make those who hurt me feel guilty. But no one wins. I’m the one who loses. Sometimes i think….activate ignore Button. Let time pass. It will fly by. But scars are just remnants of wounds. And wounds hurt. But they heal. We tend to forget that. So easily drawn to the negative. So easy. Me? I had to work my way to trying to accept optimism.

I am broken but not breakable. I am hurt but not discouraged. I am strong but not invincible. I am human and i deserve not to be judged.

We all share some inch of relative experience. So i see no reason not to love and respect each other as it shud be. I…am a spirit filled with pure rage. Not my doing but rather that of genetics and ancestry. I am just a product of threads woven by my creators. I am but just an individual making mistakes as i go along.

Whatever the outcome. I did not give up. I will never give up. I promised my father that years ago. Despite every single difficulty i hear his words loud and clear as if it were a present whisper in my ear.

I seek strength from those willing to provide. I seek truth from those willing not to lie. I seek compassion from those who have known difficulty.

I, in all honesty, look forward to the day when i feel nothing and remember nothing of pain…but only that pain…taught…strengthened…and saved my life once.

No one knows. No one can ever know. How much i hide or subside just to please the majority. Because a girl who smiles is always accepted. The girl who admits she frowns now and again will be scrutinized by society. This is the truth i have come to realize. A sad one.

Did u have a good life when u died? Enough to base a movie on?

Death makes angels of us all. Indeed Mr Morrison

Oh one last thing for u to love me or judge me on. Cuz i am one of ‘those’ people. Loved for my talent. And hated for it. It comes with the territory but i wouldnt have it any other way because I actually embrace my talent. My love. My gift. That which has saved me over and over again. The will to work and be the best photographer i can be. And now i struggle with the morality of giving my all and still being stabbed in the back by my own. A small offense when considering greater issues in this world today. I say this with humble sincerity. The world sure as hell does not revolve around me. I wish fellow sint maarteners would direct their energy to greater causes. To fight for their country and their rights!

Anyways. There must come an end to a rant. …so

My idol. The man i look up to and admired and will endlessly love …..Layne staley said it best.

‘My bad habits aren’t my title. My strengths and my talent are my title.’

My bad habits according to some (not me) are being outspoken….speaking up for the voiceless ( all the animals abused and neglected on sint maarten) being a voice for those who too scared or inconvenienced by honesty ( the residents and born sintmaarteners who cannot have this voice) i am the martyr. Because i refuse to remain victim. I dont sympathize anymore because now i understand the sick normalities of these corrupt peoples.

Cheers! And goodnight. The whiskey and painkillers are kicking in. Because sometimes in order to sleep…. One needs a bit of help so one can be ‘strong’ and ‘ happy’ and ‘optimistic’ for everyone…tomorrow. Instead of stayin awake wondering how to fix, how to convey , how to fight, how to be heard, how to be understood by those who despise me.

This is my life I will rise above all obstacles but these thoughts needed to be expressed. And hey i spoke to God this early dawn. Precious moments. For all negatives there will be a positive….if u pay attention 🙂

Goodnight.

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